Do you worry about and hide your LD?
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
How much time and energy do you put into hiding your learning disability from others? Do you think the energy you’re putting into that is adding to or causing stress in your life?
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I thought that I’d left my dyslexia behind once I’d graduated from university. I was wrong. Until recently my strategy for dealing with the difficulties dyslexia gives me was simply to do more and work harder.
Trying to do a part time Masters (now downgrading it to an MCert) alongside my job. Feeling like I’m about to fail. And under pressure to do the lot. I no longer have the luxury of being able to work harder just to keep up with others, when it is the dyslexia that makes me do this.
I’m currently having some tuition to try to help me deal with some of the problems (realising that my tutor is probably right that they are self esteem related). I’m in the UK, and in a career situation that I need to conceal my disability (yes, I know legally I don’t, but practically I have to). The stress of it is horrible. Are others in the same position? How do you cope with it all?
The UK part is beyond me as the UK and Europe in general is quite different from the US in how problems like this are handled, both personally and institutionally.
Dyslexia being with you forever, or, maybe what you mean to say is: the time-bomb of feeling bad about yourself from some dyslexic darn up always being possible is something I can relate to well and I know many others can too.
As these “indidents” happen less frequently, the “cringe” lessens for sure but it’s always there and if you go a year and have an indident it takes some time to regain your stride, your confidence.
Here are two thoughts about this:
1. These things are going to happen, no escaping it, so maybe it’s a good idea to work on ways to regain stride quickly with the least amount of collateral damage.
2. Without living in a closet, it may be a good idea to subtly avoid situations that make it likely that these “incidents” will happen, at least until you have #1 working better. I know, they can happen anywhere at any time but diving into an intense academic situation that might involve a lot of writing, speaking, discussion (assuming some or all of those things are “incident”-producing) might not be a great idea until you’ve got good ways to cope with the ups and downs of said situation in place.
I feel like I am always behind. I leave the house work to work extra hours to stay current at work. When the house is filty I stop visiting friends until I get it cleaned up. Then I haven’t been a good friend so I try to make that up and home or work suffers.
It just takes me too long to do everything.
I’m trying for a simplier life style but thats not so easy either.
No help, just to let you know others feel it as well.
Barb
Thanks both Richard and Barb for your support.
Richard: I know what you mean about trying to deal with the job and the intensity of an academic situation, however my line manager wants me to do the postgraduate course so its hard to back out from it. Plus to back out now would make me feel like I failed or quit and I don’t like either of those options. Am trying to avoid other situations which I can which make me feel stupid or get me in trouble though.
Under the Disability Discrimination Act in the UK employers are legally required if you are disabled to make reasonable adjustments to enable you to do your job. However if your employer doesn’t do this your option is basically an industrial tribunal, a lose-lose. It would have to get a lot worse before I took that route. My employer doesn’t really consider disabled people, despite being a large public employer who should really be leading the field, indeed my previous line manager actually told me not to make excuses when I said that I thought some of the problems I had may be because I am dyslexic). I’m quietly exploring what disability assistance option are but its so beaurocratic and difficult to get anything done that isn’t one of their priorities this risks just adding to my workload.
I like the idea about how to recover quickly to minimise collateral damage and basically work on the not worrying about it too much as it is going to happen.
Barb I know exactly what you mean. One of the problems I now have is that doing a part time course (which takes me too long) is that I can’t now stay late in the office. To do the coursework can take me til the early hours in the morning so I end up oversleeping and unable to get in work early to catch up with the overtime I needed to have done to stay on top of it all. My friends get dreadfully neglected – although I’m UK based I’m currently working overseas in a local office and in 18mths I have made hardly any friends as I just don’t have the time to go out. Fortunately I have a cleaner so the flat doesn’t get too bad (its a work flat so I am required to keep it in reasonable order).
I’m aiming for a simpler lifestyle – or at least a fewer hours job and a job which values my strengths more and my weaknesses won’t impact so much. Currently I think this would be lecturing post compulsory education (ie in the UK, the 16+year olds who are choosing to continue education). How are you planning to simplify things?
Simpler and less structured hours (structured by others) is good.
What many people forget is that like time spent asleep, we all need wakeful but unstructured time to manage our lives, to do the cognitive filing that there is no time for during a busy day.
One of the (many) reasons I’ve been self-employed for most of my life is that I never found a job that allowed me this and I value it enough so that I was willing to go it on my own to get more of it.
Unstructured hours is what I love and usually take at the expense of either study or sleep. Actually I think its that days are all structured wrong and should have more hours in them.
…which leads to a terrific hypothetical question that a kid asked me a while back:
If you could be awake 24 hours a day, never need sleep at all, would you trade 10 years of your life for that?
I’m not gonna answer until others do but I love that one. And, to think a kid made it up? Wow.
By the way, there are many interesting questions like it in a great book called: The Book of Questions.
Webturtle:
Sorry I missed your question to me…
I’m not sure how I plan to simplify.
Part of it is giving up the “Good Mother” syndrome. Sandwichs once in a while won’t kill us. Maybe hire out the cleaning? I’ve started buying more processed foods…as long as we don’t overdo it I figure the health issues blance out (less healthy food but less stress). And there is really no need to have the floor clean enough to eat off of! Dirt is good! (okay, just kidding on that one)
Both my children are dysgraphic (one mildly, one wildly). My biggest issue is guilt. Its obverious genetic, hence MY FAULT. So I do everything for them. Niether has proper accomidations in place at school as I type all their reports, give them their test, and rewrite their assignments. Assine. So, starting this year, the school needs to meet me half way. : )
Barb
Richard,
Regarding the 10 years….
Off the cuff, I’d say no. I love seeing new inventions and how histroy is rolling out.
But, being the accountant I am, I’d do the math and see which one gives me the most hours alive and awake (based on life longivity averages and such).
HOW BORING IS THAT ANSWER?!
Barb
Good answer.
My answer is no as well because like you I’d rather see further into the future than have more time now.
Also, I like the rhythm and “seasons” of the day which includes revving up after sleep and revving down towards sleep.
Take sleep out of the equation and one would have to make up some other kind of rhythm, fine, but I’m not up to it.
Barb
Hire out the cleaning. I do. Its one of the conditions of living with my fiance that we pay someone other than me to pick up after us! Seriously, working out what you can either not do or pay someone else to of the boring stuff you have to is a great way of getting some time back. My fiance & I work long hours and it means that our free time is for us to spend on ourselves/friends/each other.
Webturtle (who is a girl!)
Thank you. I think I will hire out.
ah, as I was catching up on old posts I notice your soon-to-be-hubby is moving to your locale. Wonderful! That was my first tip that the title Sir Turtle…was…err…wrong.
I beg the forgiveness of Lady Turtle!
Barb
Dear me. Lady Turtle, your forgiveness is humbly requested. I take it you have a thick shell to be able to roll with my assumptions.
Yup, my fiance would be somewhat disturbed if he thought I wasn’t a girl!
I am a volunteer tutor at a small inner city ministry called Love Church in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I have been working with Adrian for several months. It is becoming clearer to me that this is an exceptional young man. Adrian is 26, was premature, left in the hospital at birth, eventually given back to his birth mother only to move around and eventually land in Mississippi where he was placed in the special education system throughout his school life. I believe he completed 8th grade. Since then he has followed 2 half sisters as they have moved around the United States, landing in Fort Wayne for the past 8 years or so. He has been homeless off and on for the past 6 or 7 years. The previous tutor (worked with Adrian for over a year) is a retired executive at a large firm here in Fort Wayne and said he also believes that this young man is one of those exceptional people despite the extreme neglect he has suffered throughout his life.
I have been working to find help for him. We have such limited resources and each and every organization I have contacted does not seem to offer the kind of help that we need. It is becoming very clear to me and to the director of the center (Love Church) that we MUST find help for Adrian.
One of the obstacles that the previous tutor was working on was finding Adrian’s birth certificate. His mother told him where he was born and the name she put on his birth certificate. It turns out that she indeed did not put the name he has been using as his last name his entire life but the surname of his biological father. Through many phone calls over the last 8 months we have FINALLY located his birth certificate. We do not have it yet….it is supposed to show up some time in November. Without his birth certificate, he does not qualify for any kind of housing assistance, etc. The obstacles are big and frustrating for me, a resourceful educator.
First and foremost this young man needs to be tested to find out what his disabilities are. I thought for some time that Adrian was dyslexic and he may indeed be but I now believe that his primary disability is an expressive language disorder. I now know that Adrian is extremely bright and has a complete understanding of the things I am trying to teach him but he cannot express his language so most people do not think he understands them. At first, I talked to him like we did not speak the same language and talked slowly to him and used very simple language. The past several months I have become more aware that this young man understands me perfectly and he understands even complicated language and concepts. When I am speaking to him, I now see his face light up as he grasps things. As he attempts to restate his understanding, the “block” is extreme. He has missed so much throughout his life due to the environment of neglect throughout his life. Because of the complete lack of an appropriate diagnosis along with a home of neglect of his physical and emotionally needs this young man has indeed missed out on the the knowledge of reading, writing and arithmetic. BUT, I tell you, this man is an extremely bright young man.
Adrian is extremely motivated. During our sessions he insists on reading out loud so that he can practice talking “right”. His reading is slow and labored and he frequently mixes up his words. He will go back and read the sentence over and over until he has it right and then he stops to tell me what he has read. He is intent on comprehension as well as reading fluently…one sentence at a time.
My sessions with Adrian, over these months have become an inspiration to me and also to my family. I am learning about perseverance and I am watching first hand a man who is working to overcome obstacles in his life. Most days, I bring home lesson that I have learned from Adrian and share it with my own family. The lessons I am learning are profound.
I am a resourceful person, but I am hitting one road block after another when it comes to finding help for this exceptional 26 year old man. Recently, I have been told by two of the organizations that Adrian MUST make the phone calls himself and take care of his own business. Because of his expressive language disability, he cannot even tell the person on the other end of the phone what he needs. Organizations that are supposed to help are actually causing him more difficulty.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Deb Wick
photo1257@comcast.net
Yes. There is still a strong stigma that results in a lot of misunderstanding. As long as I can get my work done as it is expected, it should not matter how I do it, but I find myself trying to look ‘normal’ when doing my work which makes the work harder and is distracting for me.
No Name: I completely understand this and feel it too and this is why after years of working for other people I decided to be self-employed. Now I do all of my important work: reading and writing, in private with no one looking over my shoulder. I realize I’m very lucky that I’ve been able to do this, but one of the results is that my reading and writing have gotten stronger because I don’t put so much time into worrying about them, more time into doing them.
I wish you my best in trying to sort this out for yourself.